Wendy S. Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology

Counsellor & Life Coach

Blaming Others

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Why do some people blame others instead of accepting responsibility for their actions? blame

If you have trouble accepting responsibility or are the object of someone’s unjustified blame, it may help you to understand the dynamics behind this behaviour. Some of the reasons people blame others:

  1. They feel out of control. Unable to handle the fear of being out of control and helpless in a situation, people will restore their sense of control by blaming others. By blaming others the helpless person assumes the position of the accuser and feels more in control.
  2. Did not learn to take responsibility for actions. Some parents fail to teach their children how to take responsibility for their actions.  When they grow up, they blame others whenever something bad happens.
  3. Unable to admit failure or mistakes. People that cannot accept they are imperfect will blame others to avoid responsibility.  Being flawed or imperfect is interpreted as having no self-worth accompanied by feelings of shame.
  4. Unable to accept what happened. To avoid accepting that something has changed, people will blame others.

When people fail to take personal responsibility for failures and mistakes, the road to constructive change is blocked.  Dr. Elliot Cohen wrote, “While people are not perfect they can learn from their mistakes—but only if they admit them and change their behavior in the future” (2012).

Life is about learning.  Instead of looking at mistakes or failures as negative and shifting blame, look at them as opportunities to learn new things or sharpen your skills.  When a child starts school, do you expect the child to already know how to read and write?  No, you expect the child to learn and eventually grow in his or her abilities.  It is the same with adults.  You weren’t born with the knowledge to have a successful relationship, be a good employee, or raise healthy children (for example).  These are things you learn and you will make mistakes along the way.

Avoiding Responsibility

If you blame others to avoid responsibility, give yourself a break and let go of your need to be perfect.  Making mistakes or failing says nothing negative about who you are.  You are human and we all make mistakes.  Learn from them.  When you take responsibility for your life and accept that it is ok to be imperfect, you will find more peace and happiness and begin to grow mentally and spiritually.

If you are the object of blame, refuse to accept the blame for situations you were not personally responsible for.  Carrying other people’s responsibilities is a heavy load that can lead to depression and anxiety.  As well, by accepting the other person’s responsibility you are robbing them of the opportunity to solve their problems and learn from their mistakes.  Instead, help the blamer accept their imperfections and provide support and encouragement to learn from mistakes.

If you need help learning how to turn mistakes and failures into opportunities to learn, contact Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach Wendy Rhyason at wendy@wrhyason.ca or phone or text 780-289-8235.

Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach – Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology

 

To Err is Human

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Wendy S Rhyason – Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach

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Reflecting on the Past Year

The beginning of the New Year is often a time for reflection. As you look back over the past year you may feel good about accomplishments or you may feel regret, pain or sadness over mistakes made. When reflecting on mistakes and painful experiences, some people approach it in unhealthy ways. They deny any responsibility and avoid self-examination by blaming others for the problem. How do you react when you make a mistake?err Do you put the blame on someone else? Do you deny it and say it wasn’t really a mistake at all? Or do you own it, take responsibility, learn from it and make changes.

Each time you make a mistake, whether on purpose or accidentally, you have an opportunity to learn a valuable life lesson. When you try to be perfect, blameless and flawless, you miss out on what mistakes can teach you and you set yourself up for failure.

We Learn By Making Mistakes

Humans learn by making mistakes. As children we learn to walk by falling down. The most successful people made many mistakes and learned from them. Thomas Edison made 1,000 attempts to invent the light bulb before he found the design that worked. The Wright Brothers made numerous attempts to fly their plane before they finally got it right. Oprah Winfrey was fired from her job as a television reporter because she was “unfit for TV” but went on to become a successful media giant. What if these people refused to acknowledge their mistakes and learn from them?

The famous Irish novelist and poet James Joyce said, “Mistakes are the portals of discovery.” Examining mistakes should not lead to self-recrimination. You’re human and as long as you are breathing you will make mistakes. The purpose in admitting and examining your mistakes is to learn from them and make necessary changes.

When you make a mistake ask yourself the following questions:

  1. What could I have done differently?
  2. What do I need to learn from this experience?
  3. What do I need to change?

Growing In Wisdom

We may not always make the best decisions. We may not always handle situations well. We may even wish we could press the “undo” button. It takes a lot of courage to face up to your mistakes but you will benefit greatly from it. People that never take responsibility for their actions lack the courage and wisdom required to make changes and unfortunately are doomed to repeat their mistakes. Our true character is revealed in how we handle mistakes. If we learn from them, we will grow in wisdom and avoid unnecessary pain in the future. The biggest mistake you can make in life is failing to learn from the mistakes you will inevitably make.

When choosing New Year’s resolutions for 2015, commit yourself to learn from your mistakes. You’ll make them anyway. Why not turn them into opportunities for growth?

If this is an area you need help with, please contact Wendy Rhyason Counsellor & Life Coach in Edmonton, AB at wendy@wrhyason.ca or 780-289-8235.