Wendy S. Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology

Counsellor & Life Coach

Blaming Others

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Why do some people blame others instead of accepting responsibility for their actions? blame

If you have trouble accepting responsibility or are the object of someone’s unjustified blame, it may help you to understand the dynamics behind this behaviour. Some of the reasons people blame others:

  1. They feel out of control. Unable to handle the fear of being out of control and helpless in a situation, people will restore their sense of control by blaming others. By blaming others the helpless person assumes the position of the accuser and feels more in control.
  2. Did not learn to take responsibility for actions. Some parents fail to teach their children how to take responsibility for their actions.  When they grow up, they blame others whenever something bad happens.
  3. Unable to admit failure or mistakes. People that cannot accept they are imperfect will blame others to avoid responsibility.  Being flawed or imperfect is interpreted as having no self-worth accompanied by feelings of shame.
  4. Unable to accept what happened. To avoid accepting that something has changed, people will blame others.

When people fail to take personal responsibility for failures and mistakes, the road to constructive change is blocked.  Dr. Elliot Cohen wrote, “While people are not perfect they can learn from their mistakes—but only if they admit them and change their behavior in the future” (2012).

Life is about learning.  Instead of looking at mistakes or failures as negative and shifting blame, look at them as opportunities to learn new things or sharpen your skills.  When a child starts school, do you expect the child to already know how to read and write?  No, you expect the child to learn and eventually grow in his or her abilities.  It is the same with adults.  You weren’t born with the knowledge to have a successful relationship, be a good employee, or raise healthy children (for example).  These are things you learn and you will make mistakes along the way.

Avoiding Responsibility

If you blame others to avoid responsibility, give yourself a break and let go of your need to be perfect.  Making mistakes or failing says nothing negative about who you are.  You are human and we all make mistakes.  Learn from them.  When you take responsibility for your life and accept that it is ok to be imperfect, you will find more peace and happiness and begin to grow mentally and spiritually.

If you are the object of blame, refuse to accept the blame for situations you were not personally responsible for.  Carrying other people’s responsibilities is a heavy load that can lead to depression and anxiety.  As well, by accepting the other person’s responsibility you are robbing them of the opportunity to solve their problems and learn from their mistakes.  Instead, help the blamer accept their imperfections and provide support and encouragement to learn from mistakes.

If you need help learning how to turn mistakes and failures into opportunities to learn, contact Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach Wendy Rhyason at wendy@wrhyason.ca or phone or text 780-289-8235.

Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach – Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology

 

Shame on You?

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Guilt and shame go hand-in-hand.  Like guilt, shame is a necessary human emotion as it helps us develop a moral compass.  When we feel guilt and shame it is because we have done something wrong that goes against our core values and beliefs.  Guilt and shame are positive responses of psychologically healthy people when they realize they have done something wrong. These emotions lead to a correction and change in behaviour.

Toxic shame on the other hand is the feeling of being something wrong.  It causes us to feel flawed and defective and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  Toxic shame covers an internal state of inadequacy, unworthiness, or regret.  It erodes the sense of self and tends to direct people into destructive behaviours.  Feelings of toxic shame produce anger, rage or other irrational behaviours.  Fearing rejection, individuals become perfectionists, withdraw from people, seek the approval of others and become overly responsible.  Toxic shame is often the experience that underlies violent acts, addiction, infidelity, eating disorders, excessive dependency in relationships, and so many other problematic behaviors.

Cost of Shameshame

As children we develop an internalized view of ourselves as adequate or inadequate.  If children are continually criticized, severely punished, neglected, abandoned, abused or mistreated, they begin to think of themselves as inadequate, inferior or unworthy.  Feelings of inferiority contribute to low self-esteem leading to over sensitivity and a fear of rejection.  This is a common emotional response in adult children of alcoholic parents, as well as those who grew up with depressed parents, abuse, religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression, or adult or sibling death.  All of these experiences cause an individual to feel vulnerable, helpless and shamed.

Toxic shame can be triggered by another person or a circumstance and from a failure to meet your own unrealistic ideals or standards.  The first step to healing toxic shame is to recognize the feelings of shame in your life.  The following statements contribute to a sense of shame and can be spoken by another person or you can say them to yourself:

That was so stupid. I can’t believe you said that!

You will never amount to anything!

Who would want to be with you! You’re ugly and disgusting!

You’ll never be as good as your friends! You’re such a loser!

Can you see how statements like this erode your self-worth and lead to a sense of shame?  Are you shaming yourself?  Are there people in your life that shame you?  If someone else makes these statements, it may be necessary to separate yourself from that relationship. If you make these statements, learn self-compassion.  Don’t judge yourself or allow others to judge you. Don’t blame yourself for situations you are not responsible for. Get to know yourself and accept who you are. Forgive yourself and others.  Love, respect and protect yourself. Practice compassion. Eventually you will reduce your feelings of shame and increase your self-worth.

If you need help reducing feelings of shame and increasing your self-worth, please contact Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach Wendy Rhyason at wendy@wrhyason.ca or phone or text 780-289-8235.

 

Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach – Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology