Wendy S. Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology

Counsellor & Life Coach

Who Can You Trust?

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When you grow up in an abusive home you learn destructive relationship patterns. You may find it hard to trust others because you have been betrayed and hurt deeply by the people you cared about. With all relationships there is the risk of betrayal, but you can minimize the pain by remembering the characteristics of trustworthy people and carefully choosing the people you allow into your inner circle.

Characteristics of trustworthy people

Admit weaknesses – Being honest, open and vulnerable is essential in a trusting relationship. If the person focuses on your weaknesses, this is an attempt to feel superior.

Spiritual instead of “religious” – People that are stuck on rules as the core of their spirituality, are avoiding their own issues and will never deal with them.

Non-defensive – trustworthy people are open to feedback, especially from people who love them. An angry response indicates an unwillingness to take responsibility for actions.

Humble and not self-righteous – trustworthy people recognize their own faults and do not see themselves as better than others.

Willing to apologize and change behavior – trustworthy people recognize their mistakes, apologize and are willing to change their behavior because they want to improve themselves and their relationships.

Take responsibility for their problems – trustworthy people admit their problems and take steps to deal with them. Blaming others for problems, a lack of empathy, fault finding and a failure to forgive others are signs of an untrustworthy person.

Sincerely compliment rather than flatter – A trustworthy person will be honest with you and won’t point out your good characteristics as a form of manipulation.

Willing to earn trust instead of demanding it – Trustworthy people recognize that trust is built over time and grows when there is repeated and consistent caring behavior.

Are honest and avoid lying – Trustworthy people work at being honest.  Untrustworthy people will often lie to deal with their problems.

Interested in personal growth – Trustworthy people recognize we all have areas we need to change and improve.  Blaming others, being defensive and refusing to change keeps a person at the same emotional level throughout life.

If you are like me, you want to trust everyone. But it is wise to watch a person’s actions, not their words. Listen to your instincts. Trust is earned, not demanded. It is a gift we give others and it grows over time as you see the consistent characteristics of trustworthy behavior.

If you find you have many of the characteristics of an untrustworthy person, you can change.  For help changing behavior, feeling safe in relationships or healing from the hurt of betrayal, please contact me at wendy@wrhyason.ca or (780) 289-8235.

Reference:

Cloud, H. & Townsend, J. (2009). Safe people. Grand Rapids, Michigan:Zondervan

 

Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach – Wendy S. Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology

Price of Gossip

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Have you ever been the subject of gossip? Gossip is idle talk or a rumor that is discussed without consideration or thought to the potential negative effects upon the person being discussed.  Often the person gossiping does so without thinking about the negative effect they might have on others. There are various reasons why people gossip:

  • a need to fit instrong
  • a need to vent or validate their perspective
  • a need to feel superior
  • a need to say they have been wronged
  • a need to get support, or rally spectators
  • for fun or excitement
  • a need to avoid conflict or avoid resolution

All of these reasons to gossip are destructive to relationships and to you personally. Before you gossip consider these consequences:

  1.  YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW – If you’re gossiping about someone else, you can rest assured that, at some point, someone will also gossip about you.
  1. IT ISOLATES YOU – Ultimately, gossiping will isolate you. People will still talk to you and you’ll still have friends, but you’ll be known as the person that gossips.
  1. NO ONE TRUSTS YOU – No one is going to trust you. Even your best friends might hesitate before sharing anything serious with you, especially if they fear you’ll gossip about it.
  1. YOU HURT OTHERS – One of the worst effects of gossip is the pain it causes others. Put yourself in their place, and remember a time when you’ve been hurt by gossip.
  1. IT TARNISHES YOUR INTEGRITY – When you gossip your integrity is tarnished. People definitely won’t trust you, they’ll certainly be hurt by your actions, and those you love may even have difficulty believing anything you say.
  1. IT SPREADS LIES – Many times, a story gets exaggerated entirely out of proportion. By gossiping and spreading the rumor, you’re lying as well.

Gossip Destroys Relationships

If you’ve ever been the target of gossip and untrue rumors, you know how hurtful it is. Whether something is true or not, knowing that people are talking about you is painful. You feel embarrassed, humiliated, and ashamed, even if you’ve done nothing to be ashamed of in the first place. Does that mean you can never discuss another person with others? No, but be very careful of your motives. When you are talking about another person but not gossiping, there is an effort to understand and maintain the other person’s wellbeing and integrity. A good measure is to ask yourself – if the person walked into the middle of this conversation would there be any embarrassment about what is being discussed?

Gossip is harmful and destroys relationships.  When you are tempted to gossip about others, remember the pain you felt when people gossiped about you. Remind yourself about the cost to you personally if you engage in gossip. Refuse to participate in something that tears other people down.

To learn less hurtful and more effective ways to express your feelings or if you are the subject of gossip, I am here to help you deal with your emotions.  Please contact Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach Wendy Rhyason at wendy@wrhyason.ca or phone or text 780-289-8235.

Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach – Wendy Rhyason, MA Counselling Psychology

The Pain of Betrayal

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Wendy S Rhyason – Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach

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You placed your trust in someone and you discovered the person was untrustworthy. You were betrayed. The pain of betrayal is deep and can be devastating. Dr. Borri (2009) wrote, “Betrayal is an interpersonal trauma which shatters assumptions about how we view life and the people close to us.”  When you are betrayed, your reality has been shattered and you feel numb, out of control and victimized.

Recently I experienced a very painful betrayal by a friend and it left me wondering if I ever want to trust anyone again. At first I admonished myself for being so trusting. I am trained to pick up on deception and yet I missed the signs she was untrustworthy. Or did I? There were numerous signs throughout our friendship but I ignored them. I saw the signs but I really liked her and wanted to believe she was the “true” friend she portrayed herself to be.  In the end she made false accusations against me for her own personal gain and I was forced to accept the truth.  I was crushed when I realized she was not the person I thought she was. Her betrayal left me shaken and confused.

As a counsellor, we are advised to have our own counsellor so we can continue to grow and learn from these type of experiences. I worked through this with my counsellor and have gained some insight that I want to share.  The purpose in sharing is not to disparage this person. We all have areas where we need to grow. We all have betrayed another person at some point in our lives. What she did was wrong but hopefully one day she will see the pain she caused and change her behavior so she can have integrity and healthy relationships. I want the best for her but we are no longer friends.

Red Flags for Untrustworthy Peoplered flag

This painful event taught me some very valuable lessons.  Whether you are the betrayer or the one that has been betrayed, there is a lesson to be learned.  I hope you will take what I’ve learned and make any needed changes so you can have healthier relationships.

These are the red flags that appeared in our two-year friendship:

  1. Saying critical things about her other friends but acting pleasant to their face.
  2. Saying one thing to me and something different to others; telling each person what she thought they wanted to hear.
  3. Engaged in conversation when the subject was her life. Pretending to listen but zoning out when it was about someone else.
  4. Contradicting previous conversations and covering up with a response that did not ring true.
  5. Presenting herself as compassionate and caring but words and actions were often harsh and uncaring.

Do you recognize any of these red flags in your friendships? Hindsight they say is 20/20.  Looking back, these red flags were obvious. But why didn’t I acknowledge them? I told myself I was being too sensitive, that I had misread the situation. I gave her the benefit of the doubt over and over again. I had a sense several times that she wasn’t who she portrayed. My intuition warned me, but I failed to listen. I wanted her to be the person she pretended to be. I wanted to have a close supportive friendship. I wanted her to be trustworthy. But in failing to heed the red flags, I placed my trust in a person that was not trustworthy and I was betrayed.

The good news is that 75% of all betrayal has advance warning signs (Borri, 2009). But when we fail to respond to red flags, we will always feel the pain of betrayal.  If you sense something is wrong despite appearances or explanations, take notice. When you catch your friend lying, take notice.  If your friend gossips about others while acting like their friend when face-to-face, take notice.  If your friend says one thing and does another, take notice. If your friend’s opinion and words change depending on who he/she is talking to, take notice. If you friend says one thing and does another, take notice. If your friend pretends to be interested in your life, take notice. These red flags are screaming out to you – this person is not trustworthy!

Red Flags mean STOP

Choose your friends wisely. Your trust is precious. Only give it to people you know are trustworthy.  Be careful to listen to your inner voice and learn about the behavior of untrustworthy people. You will minimize the instances of betrayal and you will have more authentic relationships that are true, nourishing, and healthy.  For more information on trustworthy vs untrustworthy people http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-things-trustworthy-people-dont.html

For help with healing from betrayal or to sharpen your skills to recognize untrustworthy people contact Wendy Rhyason Counsellor & Life Coach in Edmonton, AB at wendy@wrhyason.ca or 780-289-8235.

References:

Biali, S. (2011) Relationship red flags: Are you ignoring them? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201107/relationship-red-flags-are-you-ignoring-them

Borri, E. R. (2009). So you’ve been betrayed: 7 steps on how to survive betrayal. Retrieved from https://realisticrecovery.wordpress.com/2009/05/22/so-you%E2%80%99ve-been-betrayed-%E2%80%93-7-steps-on-how-to-survive-betrayal/