Wendy S Rhyason – Edmonton Counsellor & Life Coach
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You placed your trust in someone and you discovered the person was untrustworthy. You were betrayed. The pain of betrayal is deep and can be devastating. Dr. Borri (2009) wrote, “Betrayal is an interpersonal trauma which shatters assumptions about how we view life and the people close to us.” When you are betrayed, your reality has been shattered and you feel numb, out of control and victimized.
Recently I experienced a very painful betrayal by a friend and it left me wondering if I ever want to trust anyone again. At first I admonished myself for being so trusting. I am trained to pick up on deception and yet I missed the signs she was untrustworthy. Or did I? There were numerous signs throughout our friendship but I ignored them. I saw the signs but I really liked her and wanted to believe she was the “true” friend she portrayed herself to be. In the end she made false accusations against me for her own personal gain and I was forced to accept the truth. I was crushed when I realized she was not the person I thought she was. Her betrayal left me shaken and confused.
As a counsellor, we are advised to have our own counsellor so we can continue to grow and learn from these type of experiences. I worked through this with my counsellor and have gained some insight that I want to share. The purpose in sharing is not to disparage this person. We all have areas where we need to grow. We all have betrayed another person at some point in our lives. What she did was wrong but hopefully one day she will see the pain she caused and change her behavior so she can have integrity and healthy relationships. I want the best for her but we are no longer friends.
Red Flags for Untrustworthy People
This painful event taught me some very valuable lessons. Whether you are the betrayer or the one that has been betrayed, there is a lesson to be learned. I hope you will take what I’ve learned and make any needed changes so you can have healthier relationships.
These are the red flags that appeared in our two-year friendship:
- Saying critical things about her other friends but acting pleasant to their face.
- Saying one thing to me and something different to others; telling each person what she thought they wanted to hear.
- Engaged in conversation when the subject was her life. Pretending to listen but zoning out when it was about someone else.
- Contradicting previous conversations and covering up with a response that did not ring true.
- Presenting herself as compassionate and caring but words and actions were often harsh and uncaring.
Do you recognize any of these red flags in your friendships? Hindsight they say is 20/20. Looking back, these red flags were obvious. But why didn’t I acknowledge them? I told myself I was being too sensitive, that I had misread the situation. I gave her the benefit of the doubt over and over again. I had a sense several times that she wasn’t who she portrayed. My intuition warned me, but I failed to listen. I wanted her to be the person she pretended to be. I wanted to have a close supportive friendship. I wanted her to be trustworthy. But in failing to heed the red flags, I placed my trust in a person that was not trustworthy and I was betrayed.
The good news is that 75% of all betrayal has advance warning signs (Borri, 2009). But when we fail to respond to red flags, we will always feel the pain of betrayal. If you sense something is wrong despite appearances or explanations, take notice. When you catch your friend lying, take notice. If your friend gossips about others while acting like their friend when face-to-face, take notice. If your friend says one thing and does another, take notice. If your friend’s opinion and words change depending on who he/she is talking to, take notice. If you friend says one thing and does another, take notice. If your friend pretends to be interested in your life, take notice. These red flags are screaming out to you – this person is not trustworthy!
Red Flags mean STOP
Choose your friends wisely. Your trust is precious. Only give it to people you know are trustworthy. Be careful to listen to your inner voice and learn about the behavior of untrustworthy people. You will minimize the instances of betrayal and you will have more authentic relationships that are true, nourishing, and healthy. For more information on trustworthy vs untrustworthy people http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-things-trustworthy-people-dont.html
For help with healing from betrayal or to sharpen your skills to recognize untrustworthy people contact Wendy Rhyason Counsellor & Life Coach in Edmonton, AB at wendy@wrhyason.ca or 780-289-8235.
References:
Biali, S. (2011) Relationship red flags: Are you ignoring them? Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201107/relationship-red-flags-are-you-ignoring-them
Borri, E. R. (2009). So you’ve been betrayed: 7 steps on how to survive betrayal. Retrieved from https://realisticrecovery.wordpress.com/2009/05/22/so-you%E2%80%99ve-been-betrayed-%E2%80%93-7-steps-on-how-to-survive-betrayal/